There’s no way to pinpoint the precise moment that I fell in love with you. Maybe it was the brief moment of eye contact as you sheepishly looked up from tucking into a pie and gravy was dripping down your chin. Maybe it was another time. Maybe it was that precise moment; in the middle of Musgrave centre with our friends looking on. It was so long ago now that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you.
The title of best friend didn’t disappear on that first night that we kissed. The title was built upon; like Daenerys is from Game of Thrones. You became both best friend and boyfriend in a heart beat just as she became the Unburnt and The Mother of Dragons. It was like we had leveled up and the anxieties of transitioning from friends to lovers, flitted away like ash from a pyre.
I try to sit and recount every happy moment that we had together; try to pull them close and use them to fill the gap that you left. But the memories slip in and out of focus and blur into an incomprehensible mess of dopamine and flesh. I try not to think of the times when I missed you so much that my body would ache. The time after I left you in my rear view mirror as I chased my future. I try not to think of the nights where I stayed in my room and you were out, and I had to tell myself over and over that you would never cheat. Telling myself again and again that I am worthy and that this relationship is something worth fighting for and that you believe in it too. I try not to think of how I knew you were slipping away. I try not to think about how I pushed you away by pulling you back too hard.
Instead, I think of the smell of your skin and how it looked against mine when we were drenched in sweat. I think of what it felt like to be held by you after missing you for so long and how I felt like I would never be able to tell where my body ended and yours began. I think of long drives and singing at the top of my lungs just to make you smile. I remember stories of baboons and Ouma’s biscuits. I remember thousands of kisses: gentle, passionate, drunken, sad, apologetic, shivering, breathless, fast, slow, quick, funny. Kisses in the morning, in bed, on the beach, in the sea, on the couch, on the cheek, in a crowd, in secret, in tents, on top of mountains, in front of fires, in the car, at the gate, on the neck, on tippy toes, in fancy dress. These memories torture me.
I know that in her, you found me. I know that you found us and our worth as you buried yourself in her trying to forget me. I know that in the place where we once lay, you found that I was special and not so easily replaced by a girl you dressed in my clothes.
I know I looked to the future when you couldn’t see it anymore.
So dearest friend, I hope your beautiful eyes can temporarily turn brown and see how I can’t be friends with you. Because Daenerys cannot become a peasant again and I cannot be a friend.I could never fight with you, friend, but that’s all we seem to be doing. I have closed my heart to you for the sake of survival. I wish we could work everything out and get to a place where we both find peace, but too much has happened and our hearts are too cold now.
I hope you understand, please try to.