I can’t explain why I still feel the need to work things out with him. I suppose I’m so used to pushing through the pain to solve an issue with him, it’s what I did when we were dating and it’s what I forced myself to do after we broke up, for the sake of the friendship. I wanted a nice clean break, I thought I deserved at least that. But it seems like he is destined to plague me. I told him how I felt, how I so desperately wanted to get back together and how I couldn’t be his friend. When he said he wouldn’t get back together with me because of the long distance, I thought he understood that this was the end. I had let my anger go and put myself on the line and it hadn’t paid off, sometimes it doesn’t and I’m ok with that. I thought he understood that there was no friendship to fight for now and that I was giving up, and he knows that I never give up. I thought he would know how serious I was about moving on and moving passed this awkward non-friendship that he so desperately fought for.

Throughout all the pain and suffering that he inflicted on me, I was always willing to hear him out and talk it through, I guess that’s just my nature. But he couldn’t do the same for me. I guess he couldn’t put himself in my shoes because then he would know what it felt like to be me, and the guilt would just eat him alive. Can’t say I’m sad about that. I kind of hope that that’s the reason. I hope there is some humanity left in him and he’s not just this stereotypical robot fuck-boy now. Watching him cry gave me a sick satisfaction to know that no matter how many girls he sleeps with, I can still get under his skin more than anyone else can get under his blankets.

I am still so incredibly angry. I can’t begin to describe it. It writhes just beneath the surface. But every time he messages me, I still reply. No matter how many friends tell me that I’m an idiot to tolerate him, there’s always a piece of my mind that hopes that he’s texting me because he’s changed his mind about getting back together. I guess I also like to torture myself. But it’s just the same old useless conversations. I don’t want to have meaningless conversations with someone who is not meaningless to me. I wish there was a way that I could make him see that. But he knows better, obviously, because he knows how to make things better with me because he knows me so well. The thing is, I’m not the same person I was. I have changed. I no longer rely on other people to make me happy. Losing your best friend and your boyfriend in one day will do that to you. Figuring out that he slept with a friend will further help that goal. I know he’s single and he can sleep with whoever he wants, but somehow I thought he was above it and that he was the same person that I dated. But I guess I have to understand that we’ve both changed, I just don’t like who he’s become.

Who is this person who thinks he will regret not sleeping around while he could? He’s certainly not the guy who talked me out of breaking up with him because I felt like he was missing out on that. The same guy who frowned on his friends and how they used women for their own amusement and who loved me so fiercely and never took it for granted. The guy who knew the difference between making love and fucking. The guy who knew that sex was sacred and meant to be between two people that are in love, not the guy who sleeps around because it’s what’s expected of a single guy and he wants to experience it.

I am not hating on the fuck boy life. I just refuse to sleep around with people in the hopes that it will turn into the relationship that I had. He says he’s searching for what we had, but he’s letting that go because he can’t deal with the pain of long distance. In my eyes, he is a coward. He is running from something real and true to live a life that he despised because it’s easier.

Being blocked off Whatsapp, unfriended on Facebook and unfollowed on Instagram stung, I’ll give you that. But I know that if I were to post anything remotely aimed towards him, he would know. I just wish he could treat me with the same courtesy that I have shown him. I guess it’s a maturity thing. I am done trying to talk things out with someone who doesn’t respect my feelings or wishes. I respect myself and that’s all I need.


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