- Trigger warning: Depression, suicide, bullying.
I am almost, sort of, kind of, ready to commit to a tattoo. This will be my first tattoo and I thought a small plaster on the side of my wrist would be perfect.
It all started when I saw an ad on Facebook for the tattoo place near me and how they were having a small tattoo sale. Not like a cheap sale, like a sale of small tattoos. It was really a bargain. They had these two pictures of all the options that you could get and the one that really stuck in my mind was the small plaster in the top left hand corner.
Along with the plaster I would like to get 6 dots in total: 4 on the one side and 2 on the other.
Let me now explain what this means to me. I have recently been through the worst time in my life. I went through a traumatic and soul destroying break up with the love of my life and most of my friends. Being in a 3 year relationship ensures that your friend groups merge and become one. Breaking up while doing long distance and barely seeing your friends or boyfriend, also ensures that they will pick sides and the side will be his. I was incredibly depressed.
I already suffer badly from depression, since I was a young child. The first time I can seriously remember being depressed was when I was 8 years old and the bullying started. I had burnt my face when I was 7 and it left a terrible scar on the right hand side of my face. The pity from the other kids did not last very long. The name calling and isolation began the next year. I had roughly 3 close friends and a whole boat load of fair weather friends that came and went and switched between friend and bully regularly. The bullying lasted for the next 5 years. My issues with changing friends and the constant anxiety that I am not liked by rather pitied and tolerated, has followed me ever since.
This tattoo, to me, symbolises the fact that each time I have thought “this is the worst time of my life”, I have survived. Under a plaster, is an almost healed wound; when it’s healed, you take the plaster off. None of my wounds are truly healed, and I don’t think they ever will be. But my wounds are what makes me strong, because despite the suicidal thoughts that have been a constant in my life, none of these wounds have killed me. It’s a constant reminder that I can make it through anything. The first 4 dots symbolise my brother and my 3 cousins and the separate 2 are for both of my parents. Family is really important to me. They have always been there for me in one way or another, and when one hasn’t: the rest have made up for it and more. I would never be where I am today without their support and encouragement. I would never have been able to leave home and truly trust myself to be alone.
I haven’t truly decided on this tattoo. But we’ll see where this goes. Because all the things that this symbolises will always be with me.